Hilarious Funny Quotes

"We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock." - Dave Allen

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." - Bill Cosby

"Ah, stardom! They put your name on a star in the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard and you walk down and find a pile of dog manure on it. That tells the whole story, baby." - Lee Marvin

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy." - Frank Sinatra

"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." - Dale Carnegie

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." - Will Rogers

"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they�ve seen me laugh, and they�ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo." - Bill Maher

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time." - Demetri Martin

"Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished." - Leslie Nielsen

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." - Dennis Miller

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." - Mark Twain

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." - Mickey Rooney

"My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact." - Roseanne Barr

"My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference." - Harry S. Truman

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